I spend a lot of my time regretting things I’ve done. This is half true. My brain is desperate to regret and i phsyically shake my head to make it stop, whilst telling myself to STOP thinking about it, but my brain doesn’t obey me. Here are my top regrets of the month….

I saw the most perfect jeans ever and left them behind because i didn’t ‘need’ them. I obviously did, now they are no longer in stock.

i started dating someone (well a few people,) one of them is so irritating that every time i think of him i feel ashamed that i embarked on so much more than spit swapping with him. What was i thinking? I wasn’t. He is now erased from facebook and therefore life.

I regret not getting Lana Del Reys autograph after about 10 opportunities to do so.

I definitely regret asking Keith Lemon if he’s ever had a  threesome, his response makes me shudder.

I also regret getting so mobidly drunk a few weeks ago, that my house looked like a crime scene in the morning. This is only a regret because of the way i FELT the next day.

I regret eating ALL that cheese. Like, i didn’t need ALL of it.

I regret meeting my ex boyfriend. In fact, i curse the day, because until he has another ex, I’ll always be associated with him. Ugh. Maybe by next year the slate is wiped clean (fingers crossed.)


Things i don’t regret and feel PROUD of…

That self fake tan i did a few weeks back with no streaks, no patches, just puuuuuurfecrtion. (little things innit.)

All the new music I’ve discovered.

WORKING BLOODY HARD.

Binning that ice cream  that had been in the fridge for literally years but i was determined to still eat. I was strong.


This is all completely fucking pointless. No, it isn’t about you either.

This week- (The picture of Katy just made me feel nice.)

This week i am mainly obsessing over my new leather trousers, liposuction and puppies. Yes, thats who i am right now. 

The trousers are distressed and from Topshop, and i plan to wear them for the Steve Madden UK launch party on thursday night with a grey tee shirt and my bright pink Aldo shoes which served me so well in Vegas. They’re high, bright and studded. Ideal! Ive invited catriona and Rose and we will spend the evening listening to Paloma Faith, blagging free things and drinking PATRON based cocktails. I said id never go back to Patron town; looks like i  have a one way ticket.

Lipo is a non invasive new procedure i have been asked to try out at work. For some reason ive had a bit of a crash recently and i think this might perk me back up and if theres one thing Emma Jones likes its a quick fix. Just look at every element of my life currently for evidence; except my job.

The puppies are the beautiful pom babies my sister has just bought called Rudi and Pablo. They fit in the palm of your hand and i absolutely DIE of cuteness. She bathed them the other day and they wailed and cried and were shaking, poor cutie pies, cannot wait until next weekend so i can see them. Charlotte has a make up job so i will offer to babysit them. Adorable!

I just read back my last post like this and i was talking about getting livid with Ben in Hoxton. We DID in fact get livid that night, and i  think we stayed up till 5am drinking ridiculously strong home made marharitas. Which fucked us over so badly. Then Andy Murray lost and we were sad all day.

I also said that seeing Sam Russo had been the highlight of my week, that hasnt happened this week as hes on the trip of a lifetime in America. If it had happened, it would be the highlight of my month. I am obsessed with him as a human, he makes my little brain hurt and i always leave him feeling sad. 

Latest this week is the amount of stress caused by someone i invested a lot of time into. “I HATE how much he upsets you’ being the line from Amy when in reality, he doesnt upset me at all, im upset at myself for ever committing to it in the first place. God i have weird taste sometimes.

Oooo how could i forget 5/11? My  friend wants a boyfriend by the 5th November. Shes dead nice and cute and hot. 5/11 is the new 9/11 you know. (less disasterous too.)

Bye, feel better for that.

We went to Vegas and it was honestly like being repeatedly punched in the face for 6 days. From the moment we had checked in we were already downing posion tasting energy shots, strapping our feet into gravity defying high heels and straightening our already poker straight hair. (Girls do that.) We headed down to the bar (wanted to say strutted but we were knackered) and i had a vodka and red bull, whilst Amy had a jack and coke. The bloke next to us started chatting and through hangover delirium and extremely quick drunkness, we discovered he was in  the band POD and offered to take us on the stage for his show. Cool. We then drank more until 11, headed to bed and then the rest of the trip i honestly cannot describe.

The first day was the SHIT. We partied in the pool, sunk cocktails and beers whilst flirting with American boys. Flirting is always easier when you’re half naked no? I half texted people from home to keep me sane as i tend to get a litte excited when abroad. What a statement. The rest of the holiday was dresses which were so tight i struggled going to the bathroom, hair that was so big i felt PROUD, more eyeliner than ive ever worn it my life, patron, laughter, coughing, smoking, stumbling and most of all- i always had a drink in my hand.

Someone was almost arrested, we broke up a marriage and flirted with strippers. Oh, we also saw a guy giving a girl head on the dancefloor. Sure. It was the best time ever.

Now who wants to go back with us next year? I can guarantee you might die.

If i wear a engagement looking ring on my enagagement finger does that mean  that ill never get married? Starting to feel slightly panicked over it. My sister bought me the ring but i only like it on my left hand because it doesn’t suit the tattoo on my right. It also only fits on that finger, and i like rings loose. Shall i just leave it, wear it and get on with my life? Yeah good idea. Over it.

I’ve done a lot of writing this week. It’s my job. So i apologise for this rambling mess, i just want to talk about Katy Perry and Spencer Pratt. Constantly.

Went to go and see Katy Perrt- Part of Me last night and it was amazingly good. Yes i was bled dry for the tickets, and the car park, and just the  general experience, but the film was really colourful and cute, everything you would expect from the lovely Katy kat. I must admit, it’s been a bit of an intense week so i did cry several times throughout the performance. Had just had a spray tan before going in and was desperately trying to mop up my tears so they didn’t stain. I’ve done that before, i’m not even going to tell you what it looked like had happened; all i’ll say, is it’s something sexual and something you shouldn’t go out in public with. Ew. It’s all very one sided, and being a huge Katy fan anyway, you find yourself so obsessed with her whilst watching that you can’t help leaving muttering disgruntled words about Russell. Mine were, ‘Ugh that MAN, how dare he make her cry like that?’ Still, she looked amazing. Constantly. My favourite song was California Gurls and Peacock, cause it’s a bit smutty. It was the show that me and my sister went to see last year, and i always say it was the best concert i’ve ever seen. She is amazing live, the whole show was like being sucked into a weird fantasy world AND i got to see it all again last night, in 3D.

Spencer Pratt is my new obsession today. Ben sent me the link to ‘what i would like to do to you dear woooo!’ quote last night and it dried my Katy Perry tears. He is the biggest bat shit crazy ‘love to hate him’ celebrity going. I always laugh about Speidis staged photoshoots. The best one being where she is SHAVING him in some public park. Heat printed the picture with the caption ‘please let her hand slip.’ This makes me laugh. All the time. Might buy the box set today. Mmmmm.

Tonight im going to Meat Liquor in Soho. Yes i might have to queue but i’ve never needed a burger and some house ‘grog’ more. It’ll be worth it. Tomorrow i’m having the ultimate party at the Hoxton Pony. Ben and i are to drink vodka until we are sick. I haven’t checked what everyone elses expectations are for the night, but i hope they’re aware i plan to get well and truely livid. From the safety of London. Touche.

The best part of my week was seeing Sam Russo. I crave him constantly.

Also, Apple are fucking morons. Fix my phone yeah? That would be well nice dear.

Feel as though a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Laters one shitty chapter, hello start of an amazing one. So much to look forward to.

The sibling and my guest sophie. I knew Sophie would be the best guest because like me, she likes to take pictures and dance. And eat cheese. The party got rowdy and ill never get the image of the brides mum dancing to ‘One minute man’ by Missy out of my head but i bloody loved it. <3 <3 <3

Had the BEST time at Rachels wedding on saturday. Look at that bloody joy!

If there’s one thing i’ve learnt from today, it’s that you can never have too many cushions on your bed. Matching  not mandatory. 

Because people were asking…here is the interview from April 15th issue. Raunch. 

Danny Dyer- 5 Minutes With a Sex God

The Human Traffic star, 35, talks threesomes, fivesomes, sun beds and why he’s over his ‘nutty stage’…

How do you feel about being branded a sex god?

I don’t know, each to their own. I might be a sex god to some people but others wouldn’t touch me with a ten foot barge pole do you know what I mean.

What do you find sexiest in a woman?

I like powerful women who speak their mind. I like locking horns with a woman and i’ve got that with my missus.

What feature do you get the most compliments on?

I’ve got a bit of a baby face and i’m quite cheeky so i’d say that.

What marks out of 10 would you give yourself in the bedroom?

It depends what mood i’m in really. If I’m bang up to it I will give myself ten out of ten. It would only be less if i’ve been working all day and I just want to get my nut down.

Where’s the weirdest place you’ve had sex?

Once on a sun bed in a shop. It was a quick one as you only get 10 minutes so you haven’t got time for a marathon session.

Have you ever slept with more than one person at a time?

Yeah of course I have. There was 5 of us once. I don’t think there’s a limit to how many people, a long time ago I had a bit of a nutty stage. Not anymore though, i’m bang in love.

If you could have a threesome with any 2 celebrity women, who would they be?

Im going to go for two people quite randomly. Dawn French and Josie Gibson.

That would be one f***ed up threesome.

Do you still get a lot of female attention?

Yea I do. I do a lot of DJ gigs so the women are all p***ed up and off their heads. Its great for the ego and its a mad idea that Im a sex symbol to anyone. Im nearly 35 so i’m going to milk it while I can.

What’s been the raunchiest fan experience you’ve ever had?

I get knickers and bras thrown at me all the time. I get a lot of single mums who invite me over to have a cup of tea and be proper naughty with them. It’s all good for the ego.

Do you ever get asked to sign body parts?

Yes always, I was at a book signing and signed a girls thigh and she came back to the next one with it tattooed on. She had to hitch her skirt quite high for that too.

What’s the kinkiest fan mail you’ve ever received?

I had a gay guy who sent me a piece of paper and asked me to draw around my hands and feet. I did it and sent it back to him, I don’t care.

Would you say you’re well endowed?

Yea i’m an absolute monster.

What does a girl have to do to get you going?

My missus doesn’t have to wear f* all. She can just be in her Pyjamas shuffling around in her slippers and I love her to death, she does it for me every single day. I just love her naked as the day she was born.

Are you a metro-sexual?

I look after my appearance but no not really, i’m bit rough and ready. I might put a little bit of moisturiser on if Im going down to a premier. 

I love having permanent spider eyelashes. So fun.

So smiley but HOW was i cool with those teeth? Mate. I’ve upgraded. 

Im such a cringe individual. Just went to the dentist because this morning one of my temporary veneers decided to fall off whilst doing the least vigorous tooth brushing of my entire life. It was a back one so the sight of it wasnt an issue, but the exposed tooth was agony. Every breath was like someone was taking tweezers to my nerves. I also got to see what my teeth look like filed down. Dolphin teeth. Cute. 

The dentist squeezed me in so off i went to get a new one popped on till next week. He then decides he needs to do a bit more filing. No sooner had my palms become sticky and my heart was racing like id had 20 red bulls and 8 lines of speed, the guy was filing my teeth without any kind of anesthetic. Cheers. I was kicking my legs around, arching my back and generally causing a scene. He assures me it will be ‘just two seconds quickly.’ 10 minutes later my back is soaked with sweat, i walk out, call my mum in the street and promptly burst into hysterical tears that just dont seem to stop. In front of everyone. I even declared it ‘was the worst day of my life.’ I didnt check my make up after id dried my eyes and went on the tube then caught my reflection in a window. This new fucking mascara has run all down my face and has stained all the sides of my eyes. I looked a state…and now i have 10 minutes to sort it before i have to go to the FUCKING london opera house, looking like shit, to chat to Trevor Nelson, who always looks really smiley, and i can hardly talk. Vanity is awesome. 

No one talk to me because i will kill you. Already planning an argument with the boy. Its one of those days. 

Saturday night was my sisters America themed birthday party. Despite the fact shes 22, it was her first proper party and she was determined to go all out. We had american taxi props, dollar bill banners, a red carpet, american red velvet cakes, obama posters and the ultimate america playlist. (until we dogged that off and had Girl Talks ‘feed the animals’ on instead- Sarah brought the party tunes!)

My sister went as the statue of liberty and looked slammin. A beautiful mint green frock with a headdress that she had spent weeks making and customising with crystals. I stupidly, went as Tupac, so looked a tonne less glam that she did. It happens. Often. Still, her boyfriend went as Mickey Mouse, and then we had a baseball player, a cheerleader, a basketball player, minnie mouse, captain america, ace ventura, obama (best comedy costume), another Tupac (in the prison days), a hooters girl, a cowgirl and some sort of weird pirate. Everyone looked amazing and all the girlies from charlottes school looked so hot. The hottest I have ever seen them! ONE girl however, I wanted to slowly murder. One of charlottes friends (who declared that she was in fact there for charlottes boyfriend. Strange) decided to waltz in and ruin the party. She picked up her beautifully salon styled birthday hair and said, ‘I hate it.’ before declaring that they’d ‘obviously fucked it up.’ Yes this girl works in a salon, but no friend should insult another like that on their birthday. She then sat in a corner with a face like a wet weekend, not getting involved with the games and rolling her eyes at our filthy rendition of ‘I have never.’ She then walked out yet proceeded to meet us in town. By this point everyone disliked her and we all wished that she would just go the fuck home. Especially my sister. Who is now disowning the moody jealous bitch. GR. I have always had those kind of vibes from her, rude and just…insulting are the only words to describe her. Sorry; but i’m always going to stick up for my sister and a girl of that age should know so much better than that. The reaction to her from Charlottes real friends, was hysterical. Just don’t come if you’re not feeling it. ANYWAY; breathe. We then partied on around various haunts in Cambridge and the sight of obama and the statue of liberty dancing to one direction has literally made my life. I also got told I looked like Cher Llyod a lot, which I do anyway, but I was supposed to look like Tupac. Nay mind. I am a girl after all. The best bit was probably some bloke asking the Tupac convict ‘do you know what day it is?’ at the bar. You know you’re in for a good time when its st patricks day and everyone else is so pissed that hospital is inevitable and they just cant understand what you’re dressed up as. Oooo and there was a fight. I love a fight. Some girl gave another girl the best comedy slap to the head ive ever seen. The boyfriend intervened as he got slapped too; all whilst we chanted ‘fight fight fight!’. I’ve been knocked out with flu since then as punishment. Ahh well, we didnt let one nasty girl ruin the fun, it was hysterical. I now want to look like a baseball player forever because that outfit was so hot. We’re American sorry, HAWT.

Can I also just state that I believe I am in an exceptionally bad mood because of this flu but my above opinions do remain the same. I have been snapping at my boyfriend, friends and mother of the course of this illness and THEY don’t deserve it but this girl, well…she doesn’t deserve the effort of someone telling her she’s mean to be honest. I want to call her a bint can I do that? SILLY BINT. Cool.  

This is me, Catriona and Rose in the future when we need to step our game up a bit…for now…we’ll try the ‘normal’ approach to life. With a bit of weirdness at weekends.